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:) whats better than a random saturday night
Current Location:
HIS house
Current Mood:
amused amused
Current Music:
number 1 - tinchy stryder
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I don't have much time but i miss blogging. I mean... not really blogging but yeah. You know i have a terrible history with guys.. and i felt bad because my boyfriend called me out of the blue today and i kind of didnt like it. And i dont know why considering i've always wanted Travis to call me out of the blue when he and i had been dating. It's all so backward..... Daryl would do anything for me and i treat him like shit. I don't want to ... he's a a very chivalrous boy. That's just it though..he's a boy... and i'm not a girl anymore..

No,, okay that sounds odd when put that way.. what i meant was that i;m in grade twelve,im more so a woman now.. and he's like a little brother.. idk. It sucks cause i want hi to be the man he could be.. he could be PERFECT but everytime we hang out i have to take a step back because he doesnt party... he doesnt hang out and be random.. he's still on the "my mom will pick us up" page.. and im on the "ill pick you up and we'll do whatever" page


i'm off to work... <3
Current Location:
Current Mood:
annoyed annoyed
Current Music:
believe- trans siberian orchestra, belle of the boulevard- dashboard confessiona
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Life goes good and then it gets bad.
Im not sayin gim not to balem but my parents are normal parents. And this isnt a regual cliche. I know as a teenager im supopsed to fight with my parents and be all rebellious but im seventeen and its still the same bullshit. I now volunteer and have two jobs just to avoid being at home and geting yelled for something. My dads job isnt going to well adn he already took anger management so he's scary. My mother is just a five yr old who refuses to be put to blame and she plays the power card to bully me constantly. Im not even kidding. We tried to have a mother/daughter  wekened in ottawa but i lost my one-of-a-kind camera case adn i was a little upset and i just kpet getting even more upset when my mother refused to comfort me. And then i had to ask for a hug and she wouldn't give me one. And i cried for one.  But she refused. For three hours i tried hysterically for her to hug me and all she could do was yell at me and complain about the other residents in the hotel and smoke a cigarette. Then we were in bed after i dragged her from the couch because apparently i upset her so muc that she felt that SHE was being hurt and bullied so she had to go sleep on the couch?! and i was crying baout how she hadnt been there when madison bitched to me and travis was a jerk to me and kelsey was using me. and then she said maybe she didnt know how to parent.. but that was forgotten bc she wont apologize to save her life/.. not even to make me smile she wont say im sorry she says "i have nothing to apologize for" b/s. It hurts when your mom refuses to do anything and not even to do to just make my crying go away.
And on the way to work today she blackmailed me to play by the house rules or i would get kicked out and not get money for school.
And they keep yelling at me and saying no and i have no idea why. I mean i know why but waht makes them so against me? I'm not stupid. im a straight a student i try really hard but they refuse to let me go out.
last nigt i went out ot see an old friend andit took me an hour to plead with them to let me have the car.. and sorry i didnt tell them i was going to se a friend they didnt so happen to like.. a friend that broke my heart, a friend i was willing to see because it was my problem and they knew nothing of it because they dont give a shit about my feelings. But before i knew it they had gotten out of bed to come take the car away from me leaving me stranded at my friends house. My parents care more about their automobiles than they do me. THey dont like me. They don't like seeing me happy. Forget that im stressed working two jobs and not even enjoying my summer, the minute i try to make the most of it i get shit on. Yelled at  for not doing soemthing.. for rebelling against them to do something completely normal. I don't do drugs i don't smoke and i drink occasionaly. in total i drank twice this whole summer,, im not even hanging around the ppl who cause me to throw a party on canadas day and now im getting in shit  for "choosing a loser over a guy who's parents own pharmacy;s" they know perfectly wel that T is more my level than D would ever be. my mother was there when i realised D had a lot of growing up to do. and  i was outraged at my mother for judging so wrongly by hangnign with T yes she knows im not a virgin.. i rebelled by dating the highschool dropout who was my first. and now im a good person so why do my parents believe the worst in me.

My parents are selfish and unloving. They love me in the typical ill buy you what you neeed drive you to work..and halfheartedly support you through school and through all my drama withh boys i have friends and this ummer ive had many friends but my parents their rules imply me staying home not using the vehicles and them not driving me because they dont want to. bus schedule right? wrong .. i cant afford that caus eim too busy suporting myself. taxi? im no millionaire.

This is for my parents. But they won't eveer read it because they say the typical youre so dramatic and rool their eyes and go yeah// whatever.. okay shelby are you done now. Well i hope that they regret it when i go off and move on and they rely on my no good brother for life support. cause id just kill them.

life sucks. its not fair its hard and i was lucky enough to grow up not knowing what love feels like.

until next time,

Current Location:
Current Mood:
aggravated aggravated
Current Music:
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This exaclty what i thought of my best friend when i first saw her on her first day at my elementru school in grade eight. Primo Bitch. Little did i know that she would use it on me. "Dont get me involved with your emotions" well fine, okay since you dont want to fight and i dont feel like bitching ill just vent to myself. Travis is getting mad caus ei wont talk to him, my life is a disaster, i cant feel the bottom of my right foot, my parents hate the shit out of me, and now my best friend... the one who was going to be maid of honor at my wedding... doesnt care unless im happy and praising her. fuck this shit. Its bad enoughim fooling around with my ex when he has a girlfriend... but no one else clearly wants to talk to me.
Even at school my best friend doesnt care about my downspiring life.. she just wants to gloat about her presidency with the entire student trustees of ontario catholic schools. fuck that
Im so happy for everyone but why am i being bithed at and forgotten. Why have i resorted to talking to my ex? Why am i only becoming able to ignore travis now? what did i do? because last i checked i bent over backwards to be there for my friends.
CaN  it stop now? Im a bulimic insomniac who has no love no friends no family good grades and a pillow doused in tears everynight. I think i've had enough thank you.
I know my life is fucked, but please beam me back to your planet, everything is so much better there,
Current Location:
Current Mood:
depressed depressed
Current Music:
the fear you wont fall- Joshua Radin
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i dont know how to tell you this, you might want to sit down for starters...
it's friday. I know, the worst day of the week, but its true.


Well i work all weekedn and when i work all weekend it doesn't feel like a weekend. It feels like well i wont rest for two weeks straight

But i think if i end up hanging with trais all will be well. You see i would catch you up tp speed but that would take foerver.. just know that we werent talking for two months and now were kind of starting out friendship all over again. But i was home alone last weekend and my heart swelled at the fact that he slept over.. here i have the post,,,

Space Monkeys!                                     May 18th 2009           

School tomorrow and I haven’t studied like I said I would for Wednesday.. or started the exercise routine I  said I would, or found my phone!!!
                But it definitely didn’t suck... I ducked into the water TWICE today at camp and although It was like liquid ice, it felt so refreshing and NICE J and I slept for 12 hours so that was a greatttt sleep because I went to bed smiling about what happened on SATURDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
          I’m guessing you want to know what happened on Saturday eh?
Although it wasn’t what I needed, it was still a good filler, a greattt filler. Although it held no promise it certainly gave my heart a swell thump and a significant smile. I slept great for once, and a great three hours. WE FOOLED AROUND, HE FELL ASLEEP BESIDE ME (im not blaming the fact that perhaps its cause I was on his arm) but I , sadly, woke up at nine am with a bloody nose and prince charming had to go. The guy I hate to love, the guy I wish loved me back, the guy that uses me, and I know it’s all jumble but although the only thing that shed was my bra and his sweater I’m still waiting for part two. The real part. I already covered step one, get experience, but step two will be harder. The way he stroked my arm and played with my hair  and kissed the top of my head and cared for me. I was crying and he hugged me so tightly and he looked me in the eyes, listened (semi-ish to me) and just smelt so good. 
               It was aweful, but it was great. How it was 6am and we were just laying in my bed talking. How the sun was coming up and he never got up to leave, he stayed and I didn’t say a word. 
                Anyways I must go to tea now, then hit the books, then perhaps check my msgs at 11 to see if he decided to peek online.

       So that's that anyway :) but tonight i must work. and now you have been filled in.
Enjoy your travel to tha invisible planet. TTYL <3
Current Location:
la living room
Current Mood:
tired tired
Current Music:
Home- My Favorite Highway
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Dear Travis,
I don't have much time but it's enough. You see I'm a little hurt and embarassed. Why would you tell my best friend that im annoying you and not me? i mean, thanks, i was only trying to care but i guess thats the last thing you want me to do. Also, forgive me for being  a tad bit confused at the fact that you seem to sound different when you talk to me, you know "her and i dont have the connection you and i did" or "im waitng for her to break up with me" uhhh alright... but because of this i  hope you know that i wont be your date to prom .. nor will i be the one to deliver your x-mas present. If your going to ignore me for the hell of it and then say that you wish your girlfriend were as entertaining as me. I'm not stupid like you seem to think i am. I've only been around because we are fucking friends. Well we definitely WERE ... anyway. So i felt the need to write you this letter because for once you need to stop acting like a fucking asshole. You have all of two friends.. me... and zeke both of whom yu seem to hate. Well good luck cause youll need it. And i hope your 'college' aint no where near me cause im going to ottawa and i better not see you number on my phone.

Yes. Well. Grow some balls,
Make friends,

PS. You arn;t the shit. so the whole "Ugh im a very flirty person, i cant be tied down" thing is lame. Keep any girl you can get. Cause your beyond lame

Current Location:
By the fireplace
Current Mood:
exanimate exanimate
Current Music:
See You Around-- Runner Runner
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So it has definitely been one of those days where you just want to stick your head through a cement wall. Granted that would be painful beyond repair so you would forever be damaged. im sorry.

Well let me just point out how embarassing or agravating when you put so much effort into something and you pour your heart into it and your dismissed without a second glance while the praise goes to someone who is most likely 4 times worse than you.

i made the font really big cause i have a lot of nothing to really say. ALSO math? yeah pfft. Calculus sucks.

Rory makes me want to travel. Yay for gilmore girls. im not planning on doing hmwk tonight. all i have is physics.. well maybe i should do that; get some amount of sleep, because as if rain, impossible tests, and rejections come  well so does the flu. so la di da.

kirk cracks me upp... BUT as i was saying kelsey and i are going to celebrate our failures.. my math test her bio test... so we're going out to eat.

okay so let me get my schedule straight: sleep, physics, dinner. no physics, dinner, sleep, 90210.

enjoi your tuesday
Current Location:
living room
Current Music:
the voices of gilmore girls
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So i just finished a cheesy read... you know, the books you read just to make you feel good... hmm but the dowside to these books are the really terrible plots and the idea that, well, you could've probably written it a lot better.
anway, Summer is definitely over. and suffice it to say it was alright. nothing to spectacular happened. i worked,, and went to camp.. and learnt that my fathers cousin is the producer at mtv in new york. I KNOW .... all these hot stars at my finger tips right? wrong, theres no reason for me to go there and just follow her around all day? sigh.
School has started again.. at my new high school. which is very nice. some teaqchers are wack but others are awesome which is comforting.. there arnt as many attention grabbers.. and even with them they're still your friends.. and so on and so forth.
i can drive by myself now... the thought . GET OUT OF MY WAY; i take corners a tad to fast.
If youre curious to know. the guy at work and i arnt a possibility. i still like him but not in the die hard way i HAD... make sense...? im not trying to.
Im not exactly in any mood to write.. mmore to just fill things in.  Dont know why exactly.. mayve to just let you know that im not dead..  i kind of want a boyfriend though... i mis it.. i miss never being single. its lonely, Except im trying to sever my ties with my best guy friend b/c he's a dwimp and a frustration. And im afraid that im kind of in love with my ex again. which is bad bad bad since he's dating a slut and failing school. FRICTION. Went and say Eagle eye with my mother last night .. typical movie that promises action and delivers.. wierdness instead. it ends and you are kind of left with an expression of... "Was that good? i cant remember... it had a happy ending.. that i know for sure" then we get backt o the truck.. my dad took the one we usually use to camp so while the cars away for the winter we're using the old truck that doesnt have automaticc lights.. well my mom forgot to turn them off and we get back toa  dead battery which means we cant get home cause the truck wont start... yay for Friday nights off. bah

Well that me in a nutshell actuallly i sound like a 14 yr old. Im sorry its the lack of sleep and concentration atm

Current Music:
No Way Back - Foo Fighters
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So i still really like the guy at work.

Probably because he's normal and doesn\t try to flirt with me, and because hes not trying to impress me or date me or doesnt find me 'hot' i am able to maintain composure and have an actual conversation with said crush :)

thus he probably isnt dating material.... we come from two different worlds. but ideally we're perfect for eachother.

____________ SUMMER HAS ARRIVED!

this is a different summer. probably because i dont have anything to do and nobody's in town except for all the ppl i hate. And while they go off and partyyy i sit at home and .... read? do chores for my parents? lovely.

i AM however watching Gilmore Girls from start to finish. when i feel like sitting in front of a tv for hours on end, which isnt tooo often; tv and i never really got along. we tried it... it didnt work out.. so we hang out on the odd occurance that theres something interesting invovled. Im not making anymore sense. bahh

Sometimes i hae having a job. As i try to save up for a laptop i realize its impossibility,,,, i spend a good 50$ a week or more so um... help? And with my hours being cut this summer my latop availibiulity is nearing a zip of ever happening.

Yes its true i never blog or post but seeing as i dont have an audience there really isnt a need. or obligation.

so why blog? Well its safer than a friggen journal and when i do it feels good to let it out...
For intsance.. my report card is still at school and i would really like to see how badly i ended up doing on my exams. but sadly it doesnt matter how often i remind these ppl of wanting it i realize tat they're never going to listen to me anyway.

mom: "no honey i cant come pick you up at your friends before she leaves for work because i forgot to pick up your report card while i was at that end of town this morning."

me: "screw my report card just come get me its three hours homje by walking."

mom: "stop exxagerating.. take the bus"

 me: "i dont have any money and i dont know the bus' schedule"

mom: "i got to go ... bye"

--------five minutes ago

me: can i see how i did on my rpeort card

mom: i didnt get  it

me: well arnt we full of exuses today

mom: its caleld a job

me: "i cant pick you up caus eim picking up your report card" bitch please


So here i am in my room blogging while she gets her punk ass out the door and goes to camp. Fuck my life. aha well thats all thats really on my mind todayy , <3

Current Location:
Current Mood:
melancholy melancholy
Current Music:
going, going, gone - stars
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so you know the days when life just SUCKS. You take everything personally, you arent feelign the least bit social, you want to cry like there's no tomorrow, and food consumption is taking over your evenening...
well to hell with it.

i just had a mental breakdown in fromnt of my mother. 
maybe i hsould take a nap :/

aha i soo hate my life. i love myself;just not really into the whole how i'm living thing

okay so i wasnt locked in a basement for 24 years and i dont work in sweatshops BUT emtionally and psychologically i'm not too happy.


Current Location:
living room
Current Mood:
lethargic lethargic
Current Music:
homegrown -- give it up
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